I have always been attracted to the wise, old mentor archetype in fiction. I have wanted to be that archetype ever since I can remember. As I grow older, I find myself getting a little wiser but it never feels enough.
In fact I feel like a mess all the time. My mental health issues keep showing up when I least expect them to and I make the same mistakes over and over again. I feel ashamed and wonder if I will be the same mess even at the age of 40?
Will I never be able to what I aspire towards?
Some people my age, and even younger than me, seem so sorted. They seem like they have their lives and emotions in order.
Now I know that everyone has a story and everyone is struggling in ways we may never realise, but I cannot even seem to maintain that farce of seeming sorted.
I guess it comes from this idea that one has to be settled by a certain age. But what does settled even mean?
Perhaps I need to push back against this narrative that I have internalised. Perfect people do not exist, and I imagine that people who seem perfect all the time must have a lot of pressure to keep up that image. Is that worth the energy? Of course, as I grow older, I am also understanding which are the fora where it is healthy to show my imperfections, and which are the inappropriate fora. But in general, I think I have to learn to be okay with not having everything figured out.
To be frank, saying that I am not sorted is also a bit unfair. There are things I used to struggle with that I no longer find difficult. I guess some challenges just require the force of time. And I have to allow myself this time and the grace to grow.
Maybe the wise archetype is actually unable to keep their house clean. Maybe they struggle with commitment issues while dating. Maybe they have days when they do not feel like showing up to work.
Maybe we should allow people to be completely human.