We studied the concepts of temporality and care in class this month. I was very opposed to engaging with temporality because I thought of it as theoretical wankery and irrelevant to our material struggles. However, engaging with the assigned texts and attending lectures and discussions made me do a complete 180 on these subjects. This piece grapples with some of these concepts in the context of living with chronic mental health conditions....
I have always been attracted to the wise, old mentor archetype in fiction. I have wanted to be that archetype ever since I can remember. As I grow older, I find myself getting a little wiser but it never feels enough. In fact I feel like a mess all the time. My mental health issues keep showing up when I least expect them to and I make the same mistakes over and over again....
You’re in a rectangular room with a raised platform upfront. The door is to the left of the platform. There are those single chairs with flaps for writing dotted across the classroom. It is lit in bright white light—good for visibility but it feels like you are in a hospital. The class is almost full, some students pay attention, most are secretly scrolling Instagram under the tables. You decided to pay attention today so you sat on the first table....
a house never complete. the one that lives in it, perennially at work—building it, decorating it, on occasion, destroying it. another house, on the same plot. a house that once was, or rather, the houses that once were. un-empty, or rather, as full as houses that once were can be. another house, on the same plot, a house the one dreams of. bursting with ambition, or despair, mutating with every passing second....
We rescued Shuri in 2019. An asocial pup, she came to us with a lot of anxiety. She refused to be picked up, hugged or cuddled with. She would often hide beneath the bed or dining table. At the time, I was also going through clinical depression. Because Shuri is a pug, she frequently falls ill as pugs tend to be susceptible to health problems due to the unethical nature of their breeding process....
I am lying in my bed, staring at the fan. I haven’t stepped out in days. The laundry bag is piling up, reminding me of the 99 ways in which I am failing to be an adult. The dishes need to be placed back into their respective slots. No one at home, except for me. I reach out to grab my phone and feel sick as soon as the display glows....