I have always been attracted to the wise, old mentor archetype in fiction. I have wanted to be that archetype ever since I can remember. As I grow older, I find myself getting a little wiser but it never feels enough. In fact I feel like a mess all the time. My mental health issues keep showing up when I least expect them to and I make the same mistakes over and over again....
You will be alone, at least in the beginning. The beginning will last for a long time. Doing too much at once will burn you out. You will have to do everything in the beginning (refer to points 1 & 2). Your vision will set you free. Your vision will be a burden. You will love your project. You will hate your project. You will wish you never began. You do this if you are in for the process....
You’re in a rectangular room with a raised platform upfront. The door is to the left of the platform. There are those single chairs with flaps for writing dotted across the classroom. It is lit in bright white light—good for visibility but it feels like you are in a hospital. The class is almost full, some students pay attention, most are secretly scrolling Instagram under the tables. You decided to pay attention today so you sat on the first table....
Content Warning: Discussions of internalised fatphobia and consequent self-hating thoughts. Thoughts The folks over at Maintenance Phase Pod were absolutely right – dieting may lead to weight-loss, but more often than not it leads to rapid weight gain later. I experienced it. According to the BMI scale, I am 1 point away from Obese. The word hangs heavy in my chest. My clothes remind me that I am fat, and somehow, by extension that I am a failure....
There is a lot of noise in my brain right now. Honestly, my brain is soup at this point. So I will write this in the form of a numbered list: I am doing too many things at once. Again. I do not want to admit it but I am falling into the old habit of doing so much that I effectively just do nothing. My brain keeps jumping from interest to interest....
a house never complete. the one that lives in it, perennially at work—building it, decorating it, on occasion, destroying it. another house, on the same plot. a house that once was, or rather, the houses that once were. un-empty, or rather, as full as houses that once were can be. another house, on the same plot, a house the one dreams of. bursting with ambition, or despair, mutating with every passing second....
We rescued Shuri in 2019. An asocial pup, she came to us with a lot of anxiety. She refused to be picked up, hugged or cuddled with. She would often hide beneath the bed or dining table. At the time, I was also going through clinical depression. Because Shuri is a pug, she frequently falls ill as pugs tend to be susceptible to health problems due to the unethical nature of their breeding process....
I am lying in my bed, staring at the fan. I haven’t stepped out in days. The laundry bag is piling up, reminding me of the 99 ways in which I am failing to be an adult. The dishes need to be placed back into their respective slots. No one at home, except for me. I reach out to grab my phone and feel sick as soon as the display glows....
I approach movement as something my body needs. (Obviously, I can do so because I haven’t had to think about fatness due to being lean my entire life). Like we need to breathe, eat, sleep… we need to move. But it is hard for me to connect to my body, which is weird to say because don’t I literally exist in it? What I mean, I guess, is that I don’t perceive or acknowledge it....
This article will be a work-in-progress node of my digital garden to hold my observations about social media in one place. If you know me, chances are you have heard me scream about quitting Twitter and joining Mastodon. I joined a little before the first wave of Twitter migration. While I had been wanting to get my friends to join Mastodon for a long time, I didn’t actually think they would....